Hey everyone!
It's been a while! Thought you might be ready for an update.
I am officially slowing down from doctor visits. I had another colonoscopy and EGD (that was a new one) a little while ago. They found that I have stomach ulcers as well as (they think) IBS. So that's what I'm living with as of now. They still have no idea what caused the ischemic colitis, but they cannot find an answer. So we are just hoping it doesn't ever come back. I'm now only seeing doctors every 3 months, which is nice. It's better than every week.
I swear I had no idea what over half of the tests I had were. I have definitely had my medical brain expand! It is all very facinating on what they can do and how they do it and what they can find. It may not all be pleasant for the patient, but it is still incredible.
What I Have Been Doing:
I have been living with the most amazing family for the past few months (since July) and it has been so wonderful. I've been living as basically a live-in nanny to their two beautiful children and have loved every minute of it. Even though they may be a little crazy or drive me to exhaustion, I love it! They call me their "mother in training" and I feel the Lord placed me into their home for so many reasons, including that. They have helped me with my recovery and my return to home. Even though I was only out for a month, that is still a big transition to go from being out and focused 100% on the Lord and on other people to being focused on yourself again. This family has helped me so much. I feel that I am going to be a better mother because of them as well. I look up to this family so much in regards to basically every aspect of life, especially parenthood. They teach me that you don't need to be perfect, you just need to love the crap out of those kids of yours and how to draw boundaries and what to do when they are crossed, and how to do all of it with love in your heart, eyes, and hands. Because of this family and because of the Lord, I am here and doing better.
I have spent some time in California dog sitting for a family member. I was a little worried about being in a different state all by myself, but it has been such an incredible experience for me. I've had to learn how to take care of myself without the help of anyone else, because there literally is no one else. I don't know anyone in the area, my family is all over the country, and I have myself only. I have had to cook ALL of my meals and put all of the responsibility on myself to do things. I have had to clean all of the dishes, walk the dogs, make my bed, clean the bathroom, etc. all by myself. I have become self-reliant and have learned even more that I can do hard things. I have learned that I MAKE MY OWN HAPPINESS. I am really good at relying on others to make me happy, but that is not healthy nor practical.
Just yesterday I took myself on a bike ride into San Francisco and went around the city and biked all over, including an 11 mile trek to and from the Golden Gate Bridge. That shouldn't have been too hard, but considering recent events, I have not been as active as I would like to have been. That trek seemed symbolic to me because about half way I wanted to quit. I kept thinking about the trek back, and how badly I didn't want to continue. I thought about how tired I was and how exhuasted I would become if I continued. But I did. I kept going, I went up those hills, even though I had to walk some. While I was walking up those hills I felt a little discouraged and down on myself because I felt like I should have been able to bike those like some of the other people (including a very large old man), but I kept my focus on my destination. I biked to the bridge. I biked across the bridge. I couldn't stop laughing because I was just exuberant that I had made it. I looked back and saw where I had started and how far I had come and what I had to do to get there. The way back didn't even seem too hard. I was just so proud of that accomplishment, which leads me to my next point.
I have been struggling hard core with depression. This isn't always something that I would announce, but I'm hoping that my words will help someone else who is struggling. I realized that you cannot help unless you speak. While I was in the MTC, President Holland came and gave a devotional with the main message of "OPEN YOUR MOUTH". I have taken that to mean in everything, not just the gospel. How can I help someone if I don't open my mouth. So, here you go President Holland.
Depression sucks. And that is one of the main things I have been struggling with since I have been home. I finally feel like I am getting a grasp on everything again, but there are still hard days. I went into some really hard moments where I couldn't do anything but lie in bed and just wait for the day to be over. I had dark thoughts, including thoughts about ending my life. Obviously I didn't because I'm here writing this post, and I won't, but it was something that was really hard on me.
That journey I took to the Golden Gate Bridge, I feel, was symbolic of this struggle in life. I feel like I have reached this halfway point where I think there is no way I can continue. I feel I am too tired and I have no energy left in me. Those hills are too tall and steep and I can not make it. But I realized I don't need to take it at full speed, I can take it slow and walk up instead of bike up. I might see people passing me, but that is because that isn't their trial. Their challenge might be coming up ahead. I cannot judge myself based on others because we are all in different stages of life. I need to focus on myself and my ability to push past what I think I can do. I need to focus on where I am going to. And I know that when I reach that final destination, I can look back and see all of the hills I had to climb and how far I had to come, and realize that I HAD DONE IT. And I can do more.
What's Next:
I will be moving into Carriage Cove Apartments the beginning of December. I will have three roommates and many others in the complex. I am excited to see what else I learn and how I will grow from this experience.
I will start school in January. I'll be starting my senior year of the community health program at Utah Valley University and will graduate next December.
I plan to use this blog to blog moments and other things, and I am going to keep the same title because if I wasn't ever an Hermana, I don't think I'd ever be in these situations. I never would have moved in with this wonderful family. I don't think I'd be here in California having mind-opening experiences. I am not sure if I would have moved out. I would not have these growing moments if I didn't have that Hermana in front of my name for that short month. And while I may not still wear the badge, I can still be a missionary in all things. And that's what I plan to do.
With all my love,
Taylor